I realized that I swear a lot whenever I feel like shit (ha! see?!). I get really moody when my MG flares up too. So, due to the combination of having a fever (like everybody is saying this week, "No. I did NOT go down to Mexico City."), only getting 3 hours of sleep last night, and my tiredness flaring-up my MG, today was a horrible day to take my microbio exam. My immune system going crazy did not help me learn the immune system for the test in any way other than make me think about Tylenol having a low therapeutic index everytime I took a tablet.

I should catch up on some ZZzzzz's.

I'm getting really homesick.....or childhoodsick. One thing I look forward to is seeing this (Thanks, Katrina)!

Dear Fear, Please go away.

Fear has always been my greatest weakness. When I was 4 or 5 I quit ballet because trying to stretch my limbs to do the splits hurt and I was fearful that what came next would be worse. When I was 7 or 8, I quit Girl Scouts because my local group was canceled and I feared that I wouldn't get along with the a new group. In 4th grade I quit violin because I sucked at it..that has nothing to do with fear...it just goes along with my quiting streak. I quit piano after elementary school...because I didn't want to practice anymore.

Getting back to my fear, I quit a lot of stuff because I get scared and run. Looking back, I think I quit being premed because I feared of failing. I quit physics the first time I enrolled in fear that I would fail my first class (even though it was only the first week of school). Am I quitting prepharm because I fear that I won't get into my desired school? Do I fear not being able to find a job in the long run? Do I fear that I won't have enough time to devote to my life outside of work? Or am I only reconsidering prepharmacy in fear that I won't succeed with nursting? I'm back at the point where I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. I say I have passion in the healthfield, but do I really? Is this passion just another lie for me to go through with it?

I blogged about my suppressed desire yesterday, and it got me thinking...did choose Davis over an art school because I was afraid to be different from what people want me to be? Maybe.

I don't think the path of life ever gets 100% clear. This is especially true if I keep attempting to run and hide.

Let me back track and reanswer..

Prepharmacy?...probably not...I'm convinced that I lied to myself.
Premed?...no. I really should stop asking myself this.
Prenursing? *sigh* I don't know. I love anatomy. I love physiology. I love talking to patients and seeing their progress. Something is holding me back from screaming, "Yes! Yes! I'm want to be a nurse!" Maybe it's because I told myself I wouldn't be a nurse 3 years ago. ..so I have no clue if I'm set with this.
PrePA? I wish this road was a little more direct. Like I've said before, maybe after nursing school..if I choose nursing.

Art? YES! YES! YES! *stuffs the desire back into the lock vault* Someday, someday....it must wait...

Choices...choices...I need to step forward and stop being afraid of that road that seems to be leading to no where....

"Suppressed Desire"

On the first night of MIC101 lecture the professor passed out a blank green sheet of paper to every student in class. My microbio class is a lecture hall class (around 150-200 students), so it was surprising when he told us to write our name, email, major, interest and suppressed desire. He read all of them and even read some of the interesting suppressed desires at the beginning of the second lecture.

I know my ultimate suppressed desire...and it's frustrating that it's been put in the back of my mind, shadowed by my responsibilities and obligations. My art, my creativity, one of my greatest needs in life has been sealed in a box for almost all of my undergraduate years. It's hurts when I have ideas and projects pop into my head and I know I don't have time to produce them. And even if I made time, I couldn't put the amount effort I want into them. Aside from the sculpture class I took during my first quarter at Davis, the art I've made is lousy. People might say it's good...but in my mind it's not. It's not. Sucks that I can only pursue one passion at a time. Well, need to push those ideas further back into my mind.

i tried to like physics this quarter. tried....
someone once said to me that "you have to have a special brain to get physics." i totally agree.

ok..so i can't take the sleep deprivation anymore. i dropped biochem. taking 13 units. it's still 3 hard core science classes though! 3 labs! i'm ok with that. i might end up becoming a fifth year. at minimum i'll be taking summer classes both summer sessions next year. i'm ok with that. i know i freak out ever quarter because i always try to challenge myself with a tough course load..and i always end up dropping a class. lesson: only take what i know i can handle. regarding school, in the fight-or-flight response, i tend to choose flight when it comes to heavy course loads.

in other news, i'm 70% leaning towards becoming a nurse now. blood, guts and germs excite me. pills....not so much. they're still cool though.

caffeine makes my cells happy...usually