It's been a couple of years since I've written a blog. I thought once I started college that blogging would be part of my memory as an introverted, weird high schooler. Nevertheless, here I am restarting my blogspot because I need to vent and cease my boredom for at a moment.
It's been over a month and I still haven't fully gotten use to the symptoms or get the treatment that I planned to receive after coming back home. I can't do anything but wait. Ir's a given that the instability would put a hold on my life for a little while. I should have expected it to come when I started college. However, after conquering what happened to me in high school, I thought that I was gonna be okay. I wanted to believe that the plateau that was set for me then would stay stable. It was already tough living with it...knowing that I wasn't normal...that I had to recognize my limitations. I know things in life aren't met to be set in stone. Who can live with worrying on the day-to-day bases about whether or not something was gonna happen though?
Worrying...that's what I did a lot when it started. I'm usually a person that worries anyway, so at first I thought it was just extra anxiety or stress. I told myself that it would pass, that I would get through this rough time. After the first set of midterms were over it did get better a bit...only a bit. After about a month I was exhausted. How could anybody live the life that I was living? I felt like I wanted to die almost ever moment I was left with my own thoughts. I knew that was another symptom..yet, I still believed the culprit was stress, so I kept on trucking.
Like any regular weekend, I was planning to devote the President's Day Weekend to studying. The Thursday before it I went to get professional help for my problem. For anybody that's been there, you know it's not top notch. They don't give you the time and effort to solve whatever needs to be solved....but I took their advice anyway. I think it was a good idea that I took the idea in a milder form though. Nevertheless, I felt awful if not worse the next morning. I still needed to get through Friday. Actually, I wanted to....my personality sort of defines "want" and "need" as the same in the situations concerning schoolwork. After the philosophy midterm I had that day, I knew I couldn't wait anymore. I need to get real help. I called my dad to come pick me up...I had to wait at least around two hours, so I went to class. I know I shouldn't have. I know that what I was going through was a good excuse to miss one lecture. It was stupid for me to do so because I zoned out for the majority of the lecture...worrying about what was gonna happen to me by the end of the day. Right after physiology I biked back home (yes I know..another stupid thing). I think I did it because in the back of mind I wanted to still believe that this was just a really long anxiety attack. The rest of that day and night wasn't pretty. It consisted of a lot of waiting and a whole lot of worrying...not to mention I battled with myself over not being able to study like I planned the whole weekend.
I came back to Davis on Monday, feeling crappier than ever. I usually do after what I got though. The rest of the week was not a walk in the park. I couldn't deal with knowing that people worried about me...they say it's their job to do so, but still..I didn't want them to have that extra burden. I spent a good week or two crying my eyes out worrying about what I was gonna do for the rest of my life...worrying about the consequences of what I was going through...worrying about whether or not I was going to be able to breathe within the next hour. Days were spent trying to get ever possible pathway straightened out. In the end, it all came down to waiting...again.
Yesterday, a possible solution was figured out but I still need to wait.
Along the scoop outside of this problem, I think I know what to do now. The progress for the situation I am in is slow though..like college..and here I am...waiting...but it's good that I have this time to wait. With how society runs nowadays people don't usually have time to wait, to have time to evaluate one's life. That's what I'm doing. I'm learning to be more optimistic...build my confidence..and rely on my inner strenght. I can't get through the rest of my life without inner strength....so I am waiting :)
It's been over a month and I still haven't fully gotten use to the symptoms or get the treatment that I planned to receive after coming back home. I can't do anything but wait. Ir's a given that the instability would put a hold on my life for a little while. I should have expected it to come when I started college. However, after conquering what happened to me in high school, I thought that I was gonna be okay. I wanted to believe that the plateau that was set for me then would stay stable. It was already tough living with it...knowing that I wasn't normal...that I had to recognize my limitations. I know things in life aren't met to be set in stone. Who can live with worrying on the day-to-day bases about whether or not something was gonna happen though?
Worrying...that's what I did a lot when it started. I'm usually a person that worries anyway, so at first I thought it was just extra anxiety or stress. I told myself that it would pass, that I would get through this rough time. After the first set of midterms were over it did get better a bit...only a bit. After about a month I was exhausted. How could anybody live the life that I was living? I felt like I wanted to die almost ever moment I was left with my own thoughts. I knew that was another symptom..yet, I still believed the culprit was stress, so I kept on trucking.
Like any regular weekend, I was planning to devote the President's Day Weekend to studying. The Thursday before it I went to get professional help for my problem. For anybody that's been there, you know it's not top notch. They don't give you the time and effort to solve whatever needs to be solved....but I took their advice anyway. I think it was a good idea that I took the idea in a milder form though. Nevertheless, I felt awful if not worse the next morning. I still needed to get through Friday. Actually, I wanted to....my personality sort of defines "want" and "need" as the same in the situations concerning schoolwork. After the philosophy midterm I had that day, I knew I couldn't wait anymore. I need to get real help. I called my dad to come pick me up...I had to wait at least around two hours, so I went to class. I know I shouldn't have. I know that what I was going through was a good excuse to miss one lecture. It was stupid for me to do so because I zoned out for the majority of the lecture...worrying about what was gonna happen to me by the end of the day. Right after physiology I biked back home (yes I know..another stupid thing). I think I did it because in the back of mind I wanted to still believe that this was just a really long anxiety attack. The rest of that day and night wasn't pretty. It consisted of a lot of waiting and a whole lot of worrying...not to mention I battled with myself over not being able to study like I planned the whole weekend.
I came back to Davis on Monday, feeling crappier than ever. I usually do after what I got though. The rest of the week was not a walk in the park. I couldn't deal with knowing that people worried about me...they say it's their job to do so, but still..I didn't want them to have that extra burden. I spent a good week or two crying my eyes out worrying about what I was gonna do for the rest of my life...worrying about the consequences of what I was going through...worrying about whether or not I was going to be able to breathe within the next hour. Days were spent trying to get ever possible pathway straightened out. In the end, it all came down to waiting...again.
Yesterday, a possible solution was figured out but I still need to wait.
Along the scoop outside of this problem, I think I know what to do now. The progress for the situation I am in is slow though..like college..and here I am...waiting...but it's good that I have this time to wait. With how society runs nowadays people don't usually have time to wait, to have time to evaluate one's life. That's what I'm doing. I'm learning to be more optimistic...build my confidence..and rely on my inner strenght. I can't get through the rest of my life without inner strength....so I am waiting :)
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