chOmp..cHew...swallOw

I stare dazzily at the computer screen, aimlessly searching for who knows what. My back sits hunched as my head tilts forwards. I outstretch my hand towards the bag of Dirty Potato Chips, which is flavored with herbs and garlic. These 300-calories-artifical-saturated-filled-man-processed-grease-crisps and many other unhealthy snacks have become my companion since I've come home. I was never much of a snacker but my increasing boredom and lack of exercise has drove on this dreadful habit. I've gain back the freshmen weight that I worked not too hard on losing during the first quarter of sophomore year. I'm afraid now that losing won't come easily since I still have a few more months before I start school again. At the end of the day, I tell myself that I'll start the diet tomorrow or that I won't garf down that morning muffin the next day. Midmorning I tell myself to go out for a walk or to pick up those 5 lb weights that have been patiently sitting next to my desk. I end up making excuses though; the sun is too bright today; I'm tired; I already wiped off the dusk on those weighs and they don't want to be greased up by my skin cells contacting them.

I overcame my battle of pancreatitis by staying on a low-fat diet that lasted almost a year. Why can't I control myself now? I'm beginning to think that I'm losing my discipline. *sigh* I'm writing this post to make it absolutely official that I'm starting back my healthy diet now! Gah, it's not going to help that I'm going out with a couple of buddies to the Cherry Blossom Festival tomorrow..or that I had some yogurt cover pretzels before this. AHHHHhhHhh, it doesn't matter!! Maybe knowing that there's a public audience reading this will make my brain truly realize no more sugar sweets, crispy delights or any other type of artificial crap will go down my throat when I'm bored. I'm not hoping for a certain number to appear on the scale or to have a flat stomach. I just need to regain my conscious in what goes down my mouth. As for exercising, I was never the exercising type in the first place. I'll see where it goes from here, but I'm not going to make any promises in breaking out into a sweat just yet. Haha

For my own assessment and record of how my MG is changing after Rituximab-I'm back where I was before the treatment. From the rest I got for over a month after withdrawing from school, my symptoms were rarely present. After the treatment, I felt groggy and symptoms were as present as when I was going to school. Today, I'm back where I was two weeks ago. I'm not saying the drug is working. The decrease of symptoms may just be from more rest and no extra stress.

I've read countless articles and discussion forum about MG. The information is all mostly the same. I know that there is no definite answer, but I can't help wondering what it takes to go into remission. I don't think it's possible for me because I've had this thing for so long. Probably another serious illness or life-threatening event will change the course of it, but that's not a good way to look at this thing. Ah well, it's a part of me. I'll learn to live with it's instability. I already have for 15 years.