I am a "burden"

I know why I tend to look on the grayer side of life. I know why I decided to go to boring Davis instead of stay in the bustling, exciting city of San Francisco. I know why I tend to be downright scared when it comes to meeting people or moving ahead in life. I was raised by a father that didn't let me do anything besides secure me in the comforts of what typical people call "home."

When I was in the hospital, I mentioned that I wanted to go to Nevada to visit my cousins and see how pharmacy school was going for them. Today, when I was having lunch with my aunt, uncle and cousin, my father mentioned that I wanted to go. My aunt and cousin instantly boosted how we should go because "Kim's bored at home and she won't have time to go once she starts school again." Through lunch my family members sketched out plans for the trip while I sat in silence, eating my duck noodles. My father kept mentioning how much this trip was going to be a "burden." The conversation lead to me wanting to go to LA to visit a few friends and how that was gonna work out with plane tickets, car rentals, and motels. Apparently, the place my father wants to eat and stuff is about 2 hours away from UCLA, so the trip is a "burden." On the way back home from lunch he asked me what was the purpose of going to Nevada. Didn't I make that clear? Actually, didn't my aunt, cousin and you make that clear (my uncle is sort of like me; everyone outspeaks us)?! I don't know how many times he mentioned how much this was going to be a "burden" during the car ride. I calmly said "If it's a burden, then let's not go." He replied, "If we don't go, then you're going to hold it against me." I told him. "I rather not go if you're going to define the trip as a 'burden.'" He didn't say anything.

I don't do a lot of the stuff that I want to because it's always described as a "burden." For the first month when I came back home, he constantly reminded me how withdrawing out of Davis was a "mistake," which made it a "burden"...I withdrew for my health and my well-being though. He describes my illnesses as a "burden"...I'm the one that has to live with it daily; I'm the one that has to take a whole bunch of pills, that has to schedule hospital admissions and doctor appointments, that has to accept the uncertainty of what it will bring to me tomorrow. Being in hospital for a week or even over the weekend is a "burden"...Well, I'm the one that has to get pricked with needles, explain to countless doctors and nurses about my history and my case, and that has the brain-breaking headache afterwards!!! All my life, my father has defined everything I do as a burden, meaning that I am a "burden." Sure he tells me that he "loves" me and that I'm "the only thing left [he's] got in this world" but that doesn't mean anything when he bombards me with negative thoughts and emotions. I know that my birth wasn't planned, that I was born out of wedlock, but that gives a parent no right to give their child the idea that their life was a mistake. He doesn't say it, but just the way he raised me... I believed it.

I recently realize that everything to my father is a burden. "My job is a burden." Then, quit! "I have to keep the job for financial security." Then, get another job! "It's too much of a burden trying to find another job. Especially, with the burdens of my age." ARGHHHH!!! Then, why don't you just drop dead! I think I've said that a couple of times to my father when I was in high school. If I didn't say it to his face, then there's no doubt that the thought crossed my mind infinite number of times.

My father is the reason why I have the attitude I have. I'm usually soft-spoken because anything that comes out of my mouth creates a "burden." I'm disciplined and focused because anything outside of my schedule is a "burden." I thought telling my friends what was happening in my life was a "burden." I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be my father.

It's hard becoming an optimistic since the definition of my life and soul have been beaten down to the dark-pits of unworthiness. I've been given too many chances to live to waste it on pessimistic thoughts though. I can't live by just looking at the negative side of the world because the people that have helped me get where I am today deserve better. These people aren't burdens to me. I've always seen them as heroes. I'm forever grateful to these people and no matter how many times I say "thank you" it's never enough. They deserve a Kim that lives her life to the fullest. Not to mention, I need it for myself too.