arghhHhHh...i'm so tired of everything. The weights I'm carrying around don't seem to be getting any lighter. I thought the Rituximab was kicking in. What gives??? All I want is to be able to breath and study. To finish my stupid B.S. and get a fr3aking job that has good health insurance. I don't even know if I can do that anymore. Why the fluctuations MG?! WHY????????

i'm tired, cranky, emo and everything in between.

MG or laziness? either way i'm screwed for midterms. i think this may be a big reason why i left last year. this year, i'm going to fight a little harder because i've learned i have nothing if i drop out again.

16 years of MG and I'm still screaming
I HATE PTOSIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (in my head of course)

Correction: Today is the best day in the ICU yet

Really quick post since I don't have time to be blogging right now.

Why is today the best yet?
1. Central line
2. Stat order
3. shadowed pharmacist and NP on rounds.
4. applied my current knowledge to make sense of a case (i didn't really understand the other cases though)
5. bronchoscopy (got to view down the scope! woot!)
6. MRIs
7. Really learned how complicated critical care can get.

Geez, took me 4 months to actually go on rounds. I only have a month left with this internship :(

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Today also marks the day I ate at McDonalds after 4 years. The portions are tiny compared to what I remember.

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Crap, now I'm spending time searching drugs I heard during rounds.
I'm going to start bringing paper and pen to the internship again.

wth. I felt better last week but this week, I'm starting to feel like crap again. *sigh*

I'm not behind

It's taking me a long time to realize that I'm not behind in schoolwork. When I started back at Davis last quarter, I started meeting people who were returning to college after a break, or who were taking their time getting their degree. I need to accept that there is no ideal time to finish college (well, disregard the economy for this blog). The majority may get their bachelor's in 4 years, but that doesn't mean that I have to. I think I just hate the idea of staying in Davis longer.

I'm still aiming to graduate in 2010, but I need to work on enjoying life. Maybe I try so hard because I don't want to set myself up for failure later on; I want to make it easier later on. I resent people who can be so carefree. Why can't I manage school+life? *sigh* Or if I am managing it, I never feel like I'm doing it well enough.

Today, I met this guy at physics office hours. He's a third year too. He has no clue what he wants to do with his life, but he was so relaxed about his situation. He's only taking 10 units this quarter and he's even planning to take a quarter or two off to figure himself out. Maybe I'm just wrapped up in the work-alcoholic-American-motto; time is money. Well, in my situation money is health (my own that is). College is a time to discover oneself, but I always get caught up in the rush of the "work, work, work!" value. I scramble for work yet sometimes I don't know what I'm working on anymore.

I'm only 20, but always feel like doom is lurking around the corner if I don't make a set choice on what I'm going to do when I "grow up."

Goals

I always feel like switching my career path during the winter.
Freshman yr: I switched from premed to prepharm
Sophomore yr: dropped out and reconsidered why i was prepharm
Now: reconsidering why I'm prepharm again

I think I haven't fully convinced myself why I shouldn't be premed or prenursing or pre-whatever-else-in-health. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not premed anymore but the thought still pops up in the back of my mind sometimes. I don't know. I just don't feel anything when I say I'm prepharm. I want to be excited for the field, but all I can think about is what I'll be missing out on if I do go the pharmacy route. I like the gross stuff. I thrived and adored my anatomy and physiology classes. I miss the cadavers from anatomy lab and my stechoscope that's boxed up somewhere in my garage. Maybe it's because I've had so much exposure to doctors and nurses. I remember saying "I'll never be able to be a nurse"..but now..I don't know. Last year, a resident told me to look into surgery because I was so amazed by the venous gas they were drawing out of my wrist (I know. that has nothing remotely close to surgery except for blood and sharps. haha...). There's no way I'm spending 17(?) years in residency to become a surgeon. Nursing specialist can work though. I think that's why I considered...am considering PA school. I know I need more exposure to pharmacy. Anyways, this is my career plan-

In 3 years: be in some health (professional?) program (if it's a EMT or surg tech program, so be it..but I will get into a program!)
In 10 years: work in health
In 16 years: have a foundation for my dual life as an artist

CA Northstate

I've been investigating this school ever since I heard about it last year. I had a cousin who attended the scam school in Hawaii, so there's no doubt that if I choose to apply to Northstate, it'll be my very last choice. Anyways, this school already seems a little....untrustworthy. Some school reps came by last week and, of course, they were all trying persuade us to apply. The professor who came said that they "received 2200 applicants, gave out +500 interviews and currently have 88 students in their first class. Avg. GPA is about 3.2," Well, instead of studying genetics, I checked the numbers on pharmcas this morning. The numbers don't add up.

According to Pharmcas:
Statistics for 2008 Entering Class Acceptees *
Number interviewed: 344
Number accepted: 105
Entering class size: 80
Estimated applicants accepted: 80
average GPA of accepted students: 3.03

Now, I know Pharmcas isn't always up to date on stats. Actually, I know these aren't the write numbers because they said last update "April 2008) However, it's still hard to believe that they receieved more applications than UCSF,UOP, etc. And that they accepted a somewhat large class even though they don't have an actual school(they're renting out a floor of some business). HmmMMM....fishy, fishy...

All the students reps that came didn't seem excited about attending the school too.

Is it a profit-only school? Are the professors really like what people posted on the boards? Would I really want to go to this school (stay in CA) rather than go to an out-of-state school that already has candidate status? I'll see how the they go about accepting their second class. *sigh* If only it were a little easier getting accepted to UCSF. roflmao

My poor cousin is worried sick about me. He called me friday night to tell me eat more bananas. He also called me Wednesday night and told me not to take caffeine pills. Yes, very random.