My Neurobio professor for next quarter posted this on the course webpage.

Rosovsky’s “Standard for undergraduate education”
1. An educated person must be able to think and write clearly and effectively.
2. An educated person should have a critical appreciation of the ways in which we gain
knowledge and understanding of the universe, of society, and of ourselves.
3. An educated American cannot be provincial in the sense of being ignorant of other cultures
and other times.
4. An educated person is expected to have some understanding of, and experience in thinking
about, moral and ethical problems.
5. We should expect an educated individual to have good manners, and high aesthetic and moral
standards.
6. Finally, an educated individual should have achieved depth in some field of knowledge.
From Henry Rosovsky’s Undergraduate education: Defining the issues ,
the 1975-1976 Report of the Dean of Arts and Sciences, Harvard College

He titled the file "An Educated Person," which got me confused b/c it doesn't have much to do w/ the class material.
----
edit: AH! the syllabus is 13 pages!!! I've heard of syllabuses that are more than 3 pgs long but I've never had such a class before.

Ungrinched

Can it be?! Am I no longer in a foul "bahumbug" mood?? I think so.

My dad's side of the family doesn't really celebrate the holidays anymore. Or I should say my dad doesn't. My cousins are in Nevada so I'm never there to celebrate with them. This year, one of my cousins on my mom's side invited me to their holiday family gathering. Hopefully, I get to go to that.

Anyways, volunteering at LHH really got me into the spirit of giving. I went on a bus trip with C3 and G3 to Serramonte. Even though it was hectic and sort of disorganized, I still had fun. We left the mall early so the bus driver decided to stop by Twin Peaks. The view made me realized how much I've missed and love SF. There was a surprise holiday lunch/dinner (linner? lunner?) back at the hospital for volunteers. MMMmmm..red velvet cupcakes and eggnog. Just giving back and being recognized for giving time really made my day.

School-wise- I seriously thought I was going to fail a class this quarter. Cell biology was the first class I could not study for. I couldn't stay awake in the class either because I thought what the professor taught was a whole bunch of BS. He didn't even freaking teach anything about the cell!!! He taught us lab techniques!!!! USELESS INFORMATION IF WE NEVER WORK IN A LAB!!! Anyways, turns out I failed the final. When I calculated my grade last week I thought I was going to end up with my first C at Davis. I was so pissed. Turns out he curved or did something to the grades because I have a B on my transcript.
Also, I got the HIGH SCORE on the final for biochem metabolism!!! woot! I haven't set the curve for a UCD class since...since...general chemistry?? Anyways, got an A+ for that class! YAY! So proud!! Somehow I'll doubt I can get a letter of rec from that professor even though I took him for another biochem class during the summer and tutored for him this quarter. Idk. I didn't really have much interaction with him. I mean, he knows my face. He might be a little sketchy on my name. Argh...I need to make more time to talk to my professors. The school year is winding down fast and I'm still not comfortable asking for a professor for a good LOR.

Hmm...went off on tangents. I guess that's what happens when I don't blog for awhile.

GahHHH!! Need to go holiday shopping!!!!!!! I'm not use to procrastination!!!!!
-------
edit: Nevermind. Holiday songs, shoppers and decorations still annoy the crap out of me, Maybe I was in a good mood yesterday...

Winterbreak Goals:
-Finish buying 21st bday gifts
xFind/buy Secret Santa gift (almost everybody finished shopping on the day of...lol)
xWrite thank you cards+buy gifts
-Study for the TEAs
-Study for the GREs
-Study NPB101
-Finalize Nursing School list

Support the protestors!!!!

this looks so freaky
http://www.entertainmentearth.com/prodinfo.asp?number=DC11539

Veteran's Day

To all the individuals who are currently or have served our country: Thank you.

I'm so glad I took a 4 hour study break to go to outreach today. There were a bunch of special guests, including 2 soldiers who've recently returned from Iraq and Afghanistan. The event was touching and definitely memorable. I would write more about it, but I have to get back to studying.

Goal for today: finish philosophy paper.
I'm making this thing harder for myself than it should be. Maybe it's the lack of sleep that makes me extra analytical. Idk, I'm always hard on myself.

Coffee is starting to not be enough. I'm up to 3 cups per day. Before I came into college, my body couldn't even take a cup.

Her Morning Elegance / Oren Lavie

i wonder how many shots this took :)

High school seniors get senioritis.
College seniors get workaholism.

Need to study better. I got a C on my NPB midterm and the class is definately not going to be curved. :( The new major is starting out with a bad start

i think a student cut his class to come to my tutoring session today :O

hMMm.....I thought the red mark was me marking myself with the dry eraser board marker. but it turns out that it's a scratch.

1 midterm down, 2 more to go this week!!!

Academic Awesome Day

1. Finally switched my major from Biochemistry and Molecular Biology to Neurobiology, Behavior and Physiology.
2. Dropped pchem because I switched majors, so I don't have a midterm this Friday!
3. Found out that I got a grant. Extra money is always good.

It was cloudy all day today, so that was an extra plus.

In other news, today was the first general clinic meeting of the quarter. Turns out I had the second highest amount of outreach hours completed during the summer, so I was second to sign up for clinic slots. I don't know what happened because I wanted to sign up for intake (the hardest position to get) but I signed my name under lab (the icky position) for one of the Saturdays. Plus, for another Saturday, I signed up for Halloween. I totally forgot that Becky and them are planning something. I mean, it's ok if the event is Halloween night, but I won't be able to go if it's on Friday. I don't want to be exhausted after a party or something when I go to clinic. It should all work out though. I haven't had much interaction with the lab position, so it'll be a good experience. As for Halloween, I don't think the girls have anything legit planned yet...I just have to wait and see.

My clinic evaluation interview is tomorrow! Sort of worried. I hate interviews. It's gonna rain!!! It rained last year when I had my first interview too! I'm going to bring my clothes with me this time instead of risk wrinkling them during the day.

Free Flu Vacinnation

I volunteered with the Yolo County Health Department today to help distribute free flu vaccinations. I was assigned to be a medical screener, so I asked each person a variety of questions to determine if they could be vaccinated and if they should get the flu or mist. When the doors of Riverbank Elementary, the site where the distribution was taking place, opened it was so busy. My first group was a family of 3 but my second group was a huge family of 7. Overall, I'm sure I served close to if not over a hundred people. There was some down time around 11:30, so I got myself vaccinated. I haven't gotten the flu shot since sometime in high school because I always get mildly sick ~2 weeks after. But since it was free and I'm concerned about the disease this year, I got the shot.

I hope the county contacts me for the H1N1 clinic next month. Today was extremely rewarding; I got to meet people from a variety of backgrounds, give back to the community and learn how the community prepares for a pandemic. I'm predicting the crowd that got vaccines today will only be a fraction compared to the one when Yolo distributes H1N1.

F for Frontier

The only internet provider where I'm currently living is Frontier Connections (actually, according to my cousin we could have gotten Comcast). The speed is okay and it only had a few problems when I first moved in. However, when I got back to Elk Grove after my 12 day summer break, I couldn't connect. It picked up the network but it would d/c right away. My cousin had the same problem, so we both called technical support on Friday. I spent over an hour on the phone with them and they couldn't fix the problem. On top of that, the guy was rude. He got annoyed whenever I told him I didn't understand him or when he blamed me for making mistakes. He said he would send over a tech on Saturday to deliver us a new modem, but it never came! What's even more ridiculous is when I played with the modem again after the phone call ended is that the wireless decided to work! All I did was placed it up higher! ArgHh, if this happens every time I use my laptop somewhere else, I'm going to get super annoyed.
I really should have done the work when we were choosing internet providers. According to my aunt, my mother did it. And somehow, my aunt didn't sign any paperwork or have any say in it. She didn't even know how much she was paying monthly until I asked her for the customer service number! I think I'm going to call Frontier on Monday to see how long our contract is. I might even be able to argue that there isn't a contract because we didn't sign anything. If we can, we should switch to Comcast. They're less sketchy and more reliable.

I went to Border's today and discovered that Simon's Cat has a comic book!!!! I have to read it!!!!!

http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2009-06-12-taiwan-old-grad_N.htm

Back at Tower II

I've really grown to love outreach. Today was only my third event and the second time at Tower II. I'm extremely grateful for getting the opportunity to meet all the wonderful Veteranos and fellow volunteers.
There were several firsts for me today-
1. Gave rides to some of the guests. Felt sort of bad that I only drive a 2-door Honda Civic, but everybody seemed thankful that the volunteers drove.
2. Performed blood glucose on actual patients. My first woman was easy, but I had to prick the others more than once.
3. Witnessed and helped coordinate the election for the Veteranos. Like any group, there are issues. Everything should work out though and they'll get their new committee.
4. Ate "Church Chicken." I totally thought it was KFC until I saw the ketchup packages.

Noteworthy quotes from biochemistry professor. I'm gonna have this guy fall quarter too.
"You take biochemistry to learn not to smoke."
[during the review session for midterm I] "My job is to give you pain"
"..Now, what humans love to do is-and I'm included in that...I'm human I think. Yeah.."
" Come here electrons. I want you."


to be continued...

Harana

I volunteered with the clinic for Harana yesterday at Tower II in Sac. "Harana" means serenade in Tagalog. The event consisted of free health screenings, entertainment, food and Bingo for the Filipino WWII Veterans. All the people who attended were incredibly sweet. The veteranos and their wives looked so happy to see the clinic and a UCD dance crew serve them. I really hope that the Vets continue with their meetings, so I can get to know them better. It seems like less and less of them will though because of the President Obama's stimulus package.

The King of Pop lives on

Last night, ABC primetime was featuring "Prescription for Death?", an investigation of Michael Jackson's death. A few days after the legend's passing, the news ran headlines shouting that he overdosed on Diprivan. It didn't click with me that Diprivan was Propofol. When I had my internship in the ICU about half a year ago, I heard the word "Propofol" a lot. I read information about about the drug, but I guess I didn't remember much about it. During one of my shifts, when I was shadowing the pharmacist during rounds, the nurses, nurse practioner and pharmacist were having a fit about the large amount of Propofol and Versed a doctor prescribed for a particular patient. The nurse that was taking care of the patient during the time even said she decreased the duration that the amount was entering his system just because she thought the numbers were crazy. The pharmacist signed to lower the guy's dose in the end. Sedations and the amount administered is a big issue in the hospital, so it should be an even bigger deal in the community. I hope they clear up the cause of MJ's death.

Comic Con Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland Teaser Trailer with HD

!!!!!!! SO EXCITED !!!!!!!

I want...

I want to go to Comic Con.
I want it to rain.
I want to go swimming indoors.
I want to watch my "Coraline" dvd that got sent to SF.
I want to study.
I want to do nothing.
I want to continue listening to Owl City.
I want to pack.
I want to get out of Davis.
I want this list to be longer, but my brain is going into zone-out mode.

Hopefully Hopeful

I found this in article in an MG forum. It sort of makes want to study the biochemistry in different organisms just to learn where the heck they got the idea to use ticks.

American River

Went river rafting for the first time yesterday. 17 people comprising of my cousin's old college friends and their families. I expected more rapids but the river was shallow and calm yesterday. It was fun though. I haven't made close friends since I've started college, but I hope my SF friends and I will get the opportunity to do something adventurous like my cousin's group. The last time they road down the river was 23 years ago. Talk about close friendships.

I regret not bringing my camera out onto the river. I think all of us expected the river to be wild and for everything to get soaked. Well, we did get wet but that was because of our water fights. My umbrellas came in handy for self defense! lol

We had Lee's viet sandwiches and fruit for lunch. Enjoyed a nice BBQ at one of the friend's house in Sac after floating downstream for about 3 hours.

I'm so glad I didn't get sunburned. My legs saw sunlight for the first time in 2(?) years!

Vein Viewer

This is ultra cool.

Caffeine Withdrawal

Things to do over my 10 day summer break
/Make a list of nursing schools and their requirements, application due dates, etc. (I'm still looking for potential schools)
x renew my SPAC waiver
/ read and familiarize myself with every role before mock clinic this Sunday (I think I failed the assessment :/. I read the manuel on the way to Sac)
x go buy a top or something to wear to the wedding reception (i realized that i needed another outfit around last week. usually i just go to the reception, but this is my cousin's wedding instead of a family friend so i'm going to the ceremony too.)
x go buy black pens and sunblock
/ hang out with people (more hang outs to come!)
x spend time with the family (my aunt and uncle from vietnam are in the states for the first time! i'm so proud of my cousin for all going through all the paperwork and hassle to get them over here for her graduation and weding!)
x get hair trimmed before wedding
/ discover what more functions on my canon (there's still a lot I want to learn)
-photoshop an idea that's been in my head since april (hopefully, i'll have time to do this in Sept.)
-figure out potential gifts for people's 21st birthdays
-catch up on sleep (i'll sleep when I retire :/)

$5 Dinner

The old 7a group (minus Mandy) had a cheap, filling, yummy dim sum dinner last night in Sac! Madeline and Cathy wanted to go to an Asian market because Davis only has a small convenient Asian mart, so we had a little Sacramento adventure after the meal. The store Mike directed us to closed at 6, but Cathy called up her friend and we found one that met our expectations. Yay for my GPS, which Cathy named Ruberta!

It was my first time driving people on the freeway at night! :)

Mini Medical Mission

I'm so glad I went to Yuba City with clinic today. I know how to take blood pressure, and check heart rate, respiration rate and blood glucose now! Seeing the memorial outside and the stage set up in the church was very moving. I wish we got to see the play because the little light show they gave us made the story seem really realistic. I was placed for registration for most of the time, but I got to take blood pressure, check heartrate and respiration on our last patient! He ended up donating $100 to the clinic!!!!!

the authentic looking cot (can we use flash inside a church???)

the names of the soldiers who've served

our tent

We left Davis around 7am to get to Yuba City at 8. Had a little tour of the memorial. Then, we set up our stuff and the new volunteers got trained. During the mission we saw 16 patients, 3 were pediatrics. Local news reporters came by and filmed and interviewed us. We took a few group pictures, cleaned up and left around 3pm.

---------

Edit: Here's the news article. I think they should have interviewed one of the coordinators instead of the volunteers because a lot of us are new to clinic. The reporter wrote down that I was a 3rd year biochemistry major when she was interviewing me...why does it say I'm a medical student? lol..

MIC101 Exam 3 Tomorrow!

*press panic button* AAHdjhHAFJlkdmklghlawhlhallkb!!!!!

ArghHHh...everytime I leave microbio lab I stink like bacteria. I was watching tv and eating lunch after lab and i realized the stench was from me, not my food. Next week we're going to work with raw beef. To make it even more fun (and educational) is we're going to have to figure out if we have the contaminated beef or the "clean" beef.

I should go shower because the smell is distracting me...

Sometimes I just want to crawl into hole so no one can look at me..or just run far, far away where no one knows who I am. *sigh* I'm so ready for this quarter to be over. Better yet, I wish college was over. Hopefully, only 4 weeks, 2 summer sessions, and 4 quarters at Davis left.

School consumes life.

gaHHh..I just spend 3 hours on a 1 point question for my microbiology class. I don't even know if it's the right answer.
Edit:
My TA emailed her sections giving hints to the lab stuff. Turns out I need to fix a whole lot of answers. :( According to the syllabus the professor said this stuff wouldn't take more than an hour per week. I probably spend around 10 hours per week. *sigh*

Quote of the Day

"Anthrax happens."
-my microbiology TA

We were suppose to throw out our Petri dishes if we had swirly colonies on our Bacillus plates because those would have been Bacillus anthracis, aka anthrax. haha! I love this lab!

How much bad luck can a person get?

I swear my car is cursed. When my dad first bought it in '99, it always needed to go to the auto shop for various engine problems. I got 2 of my tires and the rims stolen 2 weeks ago. Last night, I got it towed because I didn't have a parking permit at the apartment complex I parked at for not even 30 minutes. I admit that the last one was my fault, but I've part there so many times before and nothing has happened to it. *sigh* $310 down the drain.

I'm sick and tired..and I just want a break from everything.

My dad's taking the car back tomorrow because I don't really need the car. Plus, I don't want to deal with the responsibility of taking care of it anymore.

If anything happens to my bike, I'm seriously going to snap.

Do you have swine flu?

I realized that I swear a lot whenever I feel like shit (ha! see?!). I get really moody when my MG flares up too. So, due to the combination of having a fever (like everybody is saying this week, "No. I did NOT go down to Mexico City."), only getting 3 hours of sleep last night, and my tiredness flaring-up my MG, today was a horrible day to take my microbio exam. My immune system going crazy did not help me learn the immune system for the test in any way other than make me think about Tylenol having a low therapeutic index everytime I took a tablet.

I should catch up on some ZZzzzz's.

I'm getting really homesick.....or childhoodsick. One thing I look forward to is seeing this (Thanks, Katrina)!

Dear Fear, Please go away.

Fear has always been my greatest weakness. When I was 4 or 5 I quit ballet because trying to stretch my limbs to do the splits hurt and I was fearful that what came next would be worse. When I was 7 or 8, I quit Girl Scouts because my local group was canceled and I feared that I wouldn't get along with the a new group. In 4th grade I quit violin because I sucked at it..that has nothing to do with fear...it just goes along with my quiting streak. I quit piano after elementary school...because I didn't want to practice anymore.

Getting back to my fear, I quit a lot of stuff because I get scared and run. Looking back, I think I quit being premed because I feared of failing. I quit physics the first time I enrolled in fear that I would fail my first class (even though it was only the first week of school). Am I quitting prepharm because I fear that I won't get into my desired school? Do I fear not being able to find a job in the long run? Do I fear that I won't have enough time to devote to my life outside of work? Or am I only reconsidering prepharmacy in fear that I won't succeed with nursting? I'm back at the point where I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. I say I have passion in the healthfield, but do I really? Is this passion just another lie for me to go through with it?

I blogged about my suppressed desire yesterday, and it got me thinking...did choose Davis over an art school because I was afraid to be different from what people want me to be? Maybe.

I don't think the path of life ever gets 100% clear. This is especially true if I keep attempting to run and hide.

Let me back track and reanswer..

Prepharmacy?...probably not...I'm convinced that I lied to myself.
Premed?...no. I really should stop asking myself this.
Prenursing? *sigh* I don't know. I love anatomy. I love physiology. I love talking to patients and seeing their progress. Something is holding me back from screaming, "Yes! Yes! I'm want to be a nurse!" Maybe it's because I told myself I wouldn't be a nurse 3 years ago. ..so I have no clue if I'm set with this.
PrePA? I wish this road was a little more direct. Like I've said before, maybe after nursing school..if I choose nursing.

Art? YES! YES! YES! *stuffs the desire back into the lock vault* Someday, someday....it must wait...

Choices...choices...I need to step forward and stop being afraid of that road that seems to be leading to no where....

"Suppressed Desire"

On the first night of MIC101 lecture the professor passed out a blank green sheet of paper to every student in class. My microbio class is a lecture hall class (around 150-200 students), so it was surprising when he told us to write our name, email, major, interest and suppressed desire. He read all of them and even read some of the interesting suppressed desires at the beginning of the second lecture.

I know my ultimate suppressed desire...and it's frustrating that it's been put in the back of my mind, shadowed by my responsibilities and obligations. My art, my creativity, one of my greatest needs in life has been sealed in a box for almost all of my undergraduate years. It's hurts when I have ideas and projects pop into my head and I know I don't have time to produce them. And even if I made time, I couldn't put the amount effort I want into them. Aside from the sculpture class I took during my first quarter at Davis, the art I've made is lousy. People might say it's good...but in my mind it's not. It's not. Sucks that I can only pursue one passion at a time. Well, need to push those ideas further back into my mind.

i tried to like physics this quarter. tried....
someone once said to me that "you have to have a special brain to get physics." i totally agree.

ok..so i can't take the sleep deprivation anymore. i dropped biochem. taking 13 units. it's still 3 hard core science classes though! 3 labs! i'm ok with that. i might end up becoming a fifth year. at minimum i'll be taking summer classes both summer sessions next year. i'm ok with that. i know i freak out ever quarter because i always try to challenge myself with a tough course load..and i always end up dropping a class. lesson: only take what i know i can handle. regarding school, in the fight-or-flight response, i tend to choose flight when it comes to heavy course loads.

in other news, i'm 70% leaning towards becoming a nurse now. blood, guts and germs excite me. pills....not so much. they're still cool though.

caffeine makes my cells happy...usually

did i say this quarter wasn't going to be pretty. this quarter seriously isn't going to be pretty. i'm going to need to study like a mad women. i joke about becoming the crazy cat lady. well, my cats this quarter are my textbooks and notes. at least all my professors are awesome lecturers.

Spring Quarter

My second spring quarter at Davis starts today! 4 science class, 3 of them have labs...this definately isn't going to be fun.

I suck

Tentative List on what I need to do over spring break:
-visit nurses at UCSF's PICU
Total fail. I always feel like I should visit and I want to visit, but when the time comes I decide not to because I'm afraid I'll bother them. I wish I had some of the nurses' emails so I could keep in touch that way. I have to, have to, have to visit at least once before UCSF kicks me out of peds.
X volunteer at LHH (2/27)
Got to watch "Taken" with F4. I don't know why I thought I was going to work with G4 today. I think it's because I've worked with so many units now that I get mixed up with them.
-research nursing
This doesn't really deserve a check because I've only looked up USF and Samuel Merritt.
-research PA
I sort of half assed it because I realized that PA might not be the best career choice for me. I mean, if I spend 1-3 yrs getting a degree in nursing, work 1-2 yrs as an RN, and spend 3 more years training to become a PA, I might as well just go to med school. So, I'm still at the point where I have no clue wth I'm doing with my life. I think I'm still stuck in pharmacy. Nursing is good too...so maybe those 2? I don't know. I just want a fulfilling job in the healthfield and enough financial support to produce my art. (*sigh* art...how I miss art :( )
-find a PA to shadow
The above reason is why I decided to not look.
X buy plane tickets to LA for cousin's wedding
will be in LA 6/19-6/21! woot!
-write cover letter for research position
The position I wanted to apply for is probably filled. So, I'll spend Spring quarter looking for something...maybe.
X update resume
-review ochem
I'll start on this tomorrow
-watch coraline
WHY?! WHY?! I might end up watching it alone tomorrow because I want to watch it that badly.
-buy birthday presents
rofl... well, i bought Theresa's gift with Katrina and Bonny but that was last minute shopping

I been thinking a lot lately. I think...I've been lying to myself for the past 3 years. I think....I'm not prepharmacy anymore. Wait! I take that back! I don't know yet! Gah, I'm trying to clear up if I'm just holding on because I've been trying to dedicate myself to this career path for so long, or if I really can't let go because I want to be a pharmacist. Pharmacist. pharmacyyy...the word, the title...the occupation never really excited me. maybe fake excitement. Argh..I don't have time to think. I need to sleep and wake up early to write my cover letter.

i'm tired. i get more than enough sleep, but i'm tired. tired...TIREDDDDDDDDD....

damn it, i seriously need to study physics.

"Depression on the Daily Basis"

...*sigh*

crap! daylightsavings is this sunday!!!! i don't want to lose an hour! i'm so behind on everything!

"Ugly Grief Flowers"

What did I learn from my internship today?

1. Why it's more convenient to administer blood to a patient during dialysis.
2. You can't turn off the coffee maker after you pour water into it (I poured water into it but then I realized the liquid coming out was clear. I turned off the machine and tried to take the filter thing so I could in more grounded coffee beans, but then water ended up showering all over the counter.)
3. We have a PA on the unit! I thought she was the doctor all the nurses bitch about.
4. A part of the skull can be preserved in the abdominal region (I felt it!!!)
5. Most importantly, the unit has fake flowers that are called "grief flowers." Basically, they put out the pot of fake, white dandelions when a patient is about to pass away or has passed away. It's a message to all the staff to be serious and not to make nonsense and crack up about...the stuff they crack up about.

Inspection people were swarming the hospital today. I'm so glad one of them decided not to ask me anything after they discovered that I'm just a volunteer.

Spring Break Plans

Finals are rapidly approaching. Funny how almost all quarters seem to drag out but the last weeks away come and go so abruptly. I'm sure spring break will be over in a flash too.

Tentive List on what I need to do over spring break:
-visit nurses at UCSF's PICU
-volunteer at LHH (2/27)
-research nursing
-research PA
-find a PA to shadow
-buy plane tickets to LA for cousin's wedding
-write cover letter for research position (gaH, i really want do clinical research b/c i've concluded that i really hate labwork)
-update resume
-review ochem
-watch coraline
-buy birthday presents

*sigh* i feel like i screw up ever single quarter.

arghhHhHh...i'm so tired of everything. The weights I'm carrying around don't seem to be getting any lighter. I thought the Rituximab was kicking in. What gives??? All I want is to be able to breath and study. To finish my stupid B.S. and get a fr3aking job that has good health insurance. I don't even know if I can do that anymore. Why the fluctuations MG?! WHY????????

i'm tired, cranky, emo and everything in between.

MG or laziness? either way i'm screwed for midterms. i think this may be a big reason why i left last year. this year, i'm going to fight a little harder because i've learned i have nothing if i drop out again.

16 years of MG and I'm still screaming
I HATE PTOSIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (in my head of course)

Correction: Today is the best day in the ICU yet

Really quick post since I don't have time to be blogging right now.

Why is today the best yet?
1. Central line
2. Stat order
3. shadowed pharmacist and NP on rounds.
4. applied my current knowledge to make sense of a case (i didn't really understand the other cases though)
5. bronchoscopy (got to view down the scope! woot!)
6. MRIs
7. Really learned how complicated critical care can get.

Geez, took me 4 months to actually go on rounds. I only have a month left with this internship :(

----------
Today also marks the day I ate at McDonalds after 4 years. The portions are tiny compared to what I remember.

------
Crap, now I'm spending time searching drugs I heard during rounds.
I'm going to start bringing paper and pen to the internship again.

wth. I felt better last week but this week, I'm starting to feel like crap again. *sigh*

I'm not behind

It's taking me a long time to realize that I'm not behind in schoolwork. When I started back at Davis last quarter, I started meeting people who were returning to college after a break, or who were taking their time getting their degree. I need to accept that there is no ideal time to finish college (well, disregard the economy for this blog). The majority may get their bachelor's in 4 years, but that doesn't mean that I have to. I think I just hate the idea of staying in Davis longer.

I'm still aiming to graduate in 2010, but I need to work on enjoying life. Maybe I try so hard because I don't want to set myself up for failure later on; I want to make it easier later on. I resent people who can be so carefree. Why can't I manage school+life? *sigh* Or if I am managing it, I never feel like I'm doing it well enough.

Today, I met this guy at physics office hours. He's a third year too. He has no clue what he wants to do with his life, but he was so relaxed about his situation. He's only taking 10 units this quarter and he's even planning to take a quarter or two off to figure himself out. Maybe I'm just wrapped up in the work-alcoholic-American-motto; time is money. Well, in my situation money is health (my own that is). College is a time to discover oneself, but I always get caught up in the rush of the "work, work, work!" value. I scramble for work yet sometimes I don't know what I'm working on anymore.

I'm only 20, but always feel like doom is lurking around the corner if I don't make a set choice on what I'm going to do when I "grow up."

Goals

I always feel like switching my career path during the winter.
Freshman yr: I switched from premed to prepharm
Sophomore yr: dropped out and reconsidered why i was prepharm
Now: reconsidering why I'm prepharm again

I think I haven't fully convinced myself why I shouldn't be premed or prenursing or pre-whatever-else-in-health. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not premed anymore but the thought still pops up in the back of my mind sometimes. I don't know. I just don't feel anything when I say I'm prepharm. I want to be excited for the field, but all I can think about is what I'll be missing out on if I do go the pharmacy route. I like the gross stuff. I thrived and adored my anatomy and physiology classes. I miss the cadavers from anatomy lab and my stechoscope that's boxed up somewhere in my garage. Maybe it's because I've had so much exposure to doctors and nurses. I remember saying "I'll never be able to be a nurse"..but now..I don't know. Last year, a resident told me to look into surgery because I was so amazed by the venous gas they were drawing out of my wrist (I know. that has nothing remotely close to surgery except for blood and sharps. haha...). There's no way I'm spending 17(?) years in residency to become a surgeon. Nursing specialist can work though. I think that's why I considered...am considering PA school. I know I need more exposure to pharmacy. Anyways, this is my career plan-

In 3 years: be in some health (professional?) program (if it's a EMT or surg tech program, so be it..but I will get into a program!)
In 10 years: work in health
In 16 years: have a foundation for my dual life as an artist

CA Northstate

I've been investigating this school ever since I heard about it last year. I had a cousin who attended the scam school in Hawaii, so there's no doubt that if I choose to apply to Northstate, it'll be my very last choice. Anyways, this school already seems a little....untrustworthy. Some school reps came by last week and, of course, they were all trying persuade us to apply. The professor who came said that they "received 2200 applicants, gave out +500 interviews and currently have 88 students in their first class. Avg. GPA is about 3.2," Well, instead of studying genetics, I checked the numbers on pharmcas this morning. The numbers don't add up.

According to Pharmcas:
Statistics for 2008 Entering Class Acceptees *
Number interviewed: 344
Number accepted: 105
Entering class size: 80
Estimated applicants accepted: 80
average GPA of accepted students: 3.03

Now, I know Pharmcas isn't always up to date on stats. Actually, I know these aren't the write numbers because they said last update "April 2008) However, it's still hard to believe that they receieved more applications than UCSF,UOP, etc. And that they accepted a somewhat large class even though they don't have an actual school(they're renting out a floor of some business). HmmMMM....fishy, fishy...

All the students reps that came didn't seem excited about attending the school too.

Is it a profit-only school? Are the professors really like what people posted on the boards? Would I really want to go to this school (stay in CA) rather than go to an out-of-state school that already has candidate status? I'll see how the they go about accepting their second class. *sigh* If only it were a little easier getting accepted to UCSF. roflmao

My poor cousin is worried sick about me. He called me friday night to tell me eat more bananas. He also called me Wednesday night and told me not to take caffeine pills. Yes, very random.

I'm so tired...so tired.....


----------------
AHHHHHH!!!! i feel like crap all day and suddenly, I feel fine. I hate this! Hopefully, I get an answer on Wednesday...hopefully

Quotes of the Day

(J-- teaching me how to make STRONG coffee)
J--: "You fill 'er up and grind it until it's like..."
Me: "..powder?"
J--: "Yeah! Until you can snort it!"
___________
H--: "I tell my bird 'go poopy now' before I pick her up."
D--: "And does she?"
H--: "Yeah. All my birds are potty trained"
___________
Y--: "You know it's trouble when the kids see daddy drinking at 9am"
___________
S--: "I think my ochem TA thinks I'm retarded. The first day of lab, I lite my hand on fire twice."
K: "It's ok, my group lite the table on fire."
___________
[Giant mosquito in DL]
*S-- trying to close the window*
Me: "wait! wait! "*try to shoo mosquito out*
*Mosquito tries to attack me*
*A-- comes into the rescue and smooshes it in his binder*
*opens binder*
Everybody: "ewwwww..."
*A-- flings dead mosquito off the paper*
N--:" Right behind my chair. Thanks."
___________

This isn't from today, but it's memorable
[in ochem lab]
[i was doing a chromic acid test--flame turned green]
Girl across from my lab bench: "she so had green."
Me: "what? did you say 'she's so hungry'?"
Girl: LOL! "No! I said 'she so HAD GREEN'" LOL!
Me: "oh...yeah. I mishear people a lot. that'd be weird if you just go up to someone and be like 'hey! you're burning copper! you must be hungry!'"

A College Meal

I ate a bag of Sunchips, yogurt and a Snickers bar for dinner today because I was stuck in school until 7:30 and I didn't feel like making anything when I got back home. Yay for vending machines and the yogurt I bought from Costco! This a lot better than the night I stayed in the library until 11pm last quarter and I all I ate was a granola bar. It's not weird that I've never bought anything from the food courts on campus yet, right?

Today, the guy who sat next to me in ochem had a strong ramen odor.

Droopy Driving

I'm so proud of myself. I drove to SF and back to Davis alone for the first time this MLK Jr weekend. My ocular MG tends to act up after driving for long rides, so I've never tried to go the whole trip without someone else either in the passenger seat or my dad driving in front of me. On the way to SF my vision got sort of blurry for a few minutes. So, I was sort of glad there was traffic both times I drove so I could rest a bit. Now I can say that I'm not that big of loser and drove myself home!!! :)

Gahh, I'm glad I made it back alive but I'm exhausted.

Best day yet in the ICU

I switched my internship from Sunday to Thursday. Yesterday showed that switch was the right move because I got to see an actual procedure yesterday!!!! Dressing of a deep wound for suction. The wound specialist used pressure from saline bullets to wash out some of the clotted blood, measured the depth, length and width of the hole using a q-tip (it was around 5.3cmx4.7cmx5cm), put in silver as local disinfectant, and stuffed in a lot of foam (just regular sterile foam!) and hooked the patient up to the suction machine. I got to hold the skin in place!!!! Not to mention one of the nurses pointed out the pharmacist! Problem is I don't know how to approach her because she's so busy.

Health vs Time

I received my second treatment of Rituxin on the 12/24 and 1/5, so I had to go back to SF right after classes on Monday for my second dose. As with any infusion, I was exhausted after the treatment. Rituxin doesn't carry the same post-infusion effects as IVIG, so I don't know if my tiredness this week is due to lack of sleep, stress, the treatment, or my MG. It takes about a month for Rituxin to start working, so all I can do is wait.
I don't want to end of dropping out of college again nor do I want to take it easy this quarter. Actually, I am taking it easier since I'm only enrolled in 13 units. So, what I mean is, I don't want to stop pushing myself. I know my limitations are less than people with better health and I know health should become before school.But sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice choosing school over health; if I don't do well in school now, my health won't have a good outcome later on (ie, not a good job=no money to pay for treatments).
My health is fighting against time. Once I hit 24, I'll no longer be covered by my father's health insurance. So what do I do? Do I take it slow and take better care of myself now? Or do I work my butt off, risk my health, and know that I'll be more likely to get a better outcome? I think the answer is obvious, but I have a hard time accepting it.

I hate how this post/these feelings are like how I felt last year in March/April. I guess I'll never be able to fully overcome this obstacle.

HP hating on Canon?!

My friends got me a sleek, new Canon SD790 ID for my birthday, which I received yesterday. I love the gift, but I'm really annoyed with it right now. It won't let me upload pictures because the "driver can't install." I spent over 3 hours installing and uninstalling the programs, searching for answers from both HP and Canon, and googling potential problems and solutions. I was so excited about uploading this morning! Argh, why does the new year have to start out this way?!